Holding Yourself with Care
One of the quickest and most powerful ways to offer ourselves compassion when we are struggling is through physical touch. Just as we might instinctively reach out to comfort a friend with a hug or by holding their hand, we can soothe ourselves in a similar way.
Recent psychological research has shown that self-compassionate touch, such as placing a hand over the heart or gently holding the face, can significantly reduce stress and emotional discomfort. Practising this kind of touch for even a few seconds each day has been linked to increased self-compassion and a decrease in feelings of anxiety, low mood, and irritation.
When we respond to emotional pain by physically holding or soothing our bodies, several helpful things happen. First, it draws our attention away from racing thoughts and back into the body, helping us feel more grounded and less overwhelmed by difficult emotions. Second, it activates a sense of safety and care that is naturally present in the nervous system. As human beings, we are wired to interpret gentle touch as a sign of comfort, just as an infant is calmed by the warmth of a parent's embrace. Third, self-touch brings about physiological changes. It engages the parasympathetic nervous system, lowers stress hormones such as cortisol, and increases oxytocin, which helps us feel calm and supported.
Even when the mind is racing or we feel overwhelmed, offering ourselves a kind and gentle touch can bring a direct sense of compassion to the body. It is simple, accessible at any time, and does not cost anything.
You might try placing your hands over your heart, gently holding your shoulders, resting a hand on your cheek, or folding your arms around yourself. It is important to explore and notice which gestures feel most comforting to you.
You can include this practice as part of your daily routine, perhaps in the morning or before going to sleep. You can also use it whenever you feel distressed during the day. However you choose to practise it, may it bring you a sense of care, calm, and connection.
Inner Critic Reflection
This exercise is intended to take place over several weeks and will gradually form the foundation for changing how you relate to yourself in the long term. Some people find it helpful to explore their inner critic by writing in a journal, while others prefer using internal dialogues. If you are someone who enjoys writing and likes to revisit your thoughts later, journaling can be a powerful tool for growth. But if you tend to struggle with consistency when it comes to writing things down, do whatever works best for you. You might prefer speaking aloud to yourself or thinking things through quietly.
The first step in changing how you treat yourself is to begin noticing when you are being self-critical. For many people, the inner critic is so familiar that it can go unnoticed. Whenever you find yourself feeling bad about something, pause and consider what you’ve just said to yourself. Try to be as accurate as you can, and note your inner speech exactly as it happens. What specific words do you use when you are being self-critical? Are there particular phrases that repeat? What is the tone of your voice? Is it harsh, cold, or angry? Does it remind you of anyone in your past who was critical of you? The goal is to become deeply familiar with your inner critic and to recognise when it is active.
For instance, if you oversleep and miss an important meeting, does your inner voice say something like “You’re such a screw-up” or “What a failure”? Try to get a clear sense of how you speak to yourself in those moments. Once you begin to notice that voice, make a conscious effort to soften it. Do this gently and with compassion. Rather than criticising the critic, you might say something like, “I know you’re trying to protect me and that you’re worried, but the way you’re speaking is hurting me. Can my more compassionate self speak for a moment?”
From here, try to reframe the message in a friendly and constructive way. If you’re unsure what to say, imagine how a very kind friend might respond to you. You could say something like, “I know you’re upset about missing the meeting. That was a difficult moment, and it’s okay to feel disappointed. You’ve been staying up late and probably aren’t getting enough rest. Maybe try putting your phone away earlier at night so you can sleep better. I care about you and want you to feel your best.”
As you engage in this kind of caring self-talk, you might find it helpful to add a simple gesture of physical comfort. Try gently stroking your arm or holding your face in your hands if it feels natural and you’re alone. These gestures can activate your body’s caregiving system and release oxytocin, which helps shift your internal state. Even if feelings of kindness are hard to access at first, the important thing is to begin acting in a kind and supportive way. In time, those feelings will start to grow.